Look Into His Eyes

I believe women. There is an endless well of fucked up shit that every AFAB person can claim. Show me a woman who hasn’t been abused sexually, emotionally, and/or physically and I will draw a picture of the cartoon that you have imagined. The system is abusive, even if social sphere is not (which is extremely unlikely as a part of that system). There are more than a few men I have known who would be sincerely shocked to hear that I think of them as sexual predators. The one who bought me stuff at the Halloween store and took me out to lunch a few times, that I laid on my stomach and waited for it to be over because I felt I had owed him that for his kindness. The one who bought me drinks at the club and then put his hand up my skirt after insisting I sit on his lap to drink them. The one who I had said no and please stop until he threatened me with a knife. They don’t think of themselves as sexual predators. I was playing hard to get — we were in a game. So yes, I believe women every time they say they were abused.

I feel that I have lost all credibility as a person who believes women. I am desperately trying to understand and justify the recent news that an author who I have followed and idolized for 35 years is a sexual predator. When I was a child, unloved and strange in a world that I didn’t fit, his characters were my friends. As I began writing, his work was my anchor. And I’ve known for 25 years that I want to write because of his books and what they brought to me. But now his eyes are no different from the grasping, groping, hungry gaze that I’ve had to endure since I…