Critique: What To Do When It All Comes Crashing Down
I think that we know, at this point, this is not an aberration; this is just how things are. I am personally facing losing life-saving medical care within my family, my continued income stream as a teacher, and the potential of my extended family getting kicked out of the country. I am unsure if taciturn acceptance and excuse-making to justify atrocities are a social construct or a protection system from our brain. But, truly, it becomes hard to live with the overwhelming rush of bad news that we are seeing. It’s as if everything we feared 8 years ago is now coming true. What I hear is a desperate shred of hope whispering: “one day, it will get better.” However, it is sad to inform that it will not. Without drastic, personal change it will never get better.
There is a concept of “acceptance” that has been bastardized. Acceptance has gone from “forgiveness after careful consideration” to a scapegoat when times are tough. The sense of personal responsibility is nowhere to be found. When I was in my early 30’s, I was part of a community that prided itself on being progressive, compassionate, and justice-minded. My partner and I were not well off at the time, due to job instability and having a small child living in San Diego. We frequently struggled to make ends meet. At one point, we were living off of food banks. Our justice-minded, compassionate friends would not help. They invited us out to dinner, and got offended when we had to refuse regularly due to financial hardship. When 5-months pregnant with our second child, I had a birthday party and invited them. We threw the party, decorated, and provided all the food. The “compassionate” people left within about an hour and a half because I hadn’t planned enough games to keep them interested. Being a neurodiverse person, I’ve always had major social issues, and they were not respected or supported by these people who were “inclusive.” In the end, we realized the community wasn’t what we thought, and left. Did they ever think “I should help our friends, and embrace my proclaimed values?” Or did they “accept” that they did “the best they could” and let it go?
Every day, in “progressive” California, I see people at their absolute worst in traffic. They are pushy, angry, and downright inhuman at times. Once, in San Diego, I saw two people get into a screaming match while trying to park for a well-known holiday event. The exchange left me so sad and disillusioned that the holidays were still Dickensian in their peace and good-will, that I never returned to that event. No one (except me, I guess) uses their turn signal. There’s a reason why: if you use a signal, someone in the lane you’re trying to get into will speed up to get ahead of you no matter how far back they are. It seems that the culture of SoCal is “you do you, as long as it doesn’t get in my way.” If a person’s existence in any way impedes another’s, then that person is well within their right to act atrociously. And so it goes that another person’s hardship is mournful until it is someone who will impede your daily life — a friend or acquaintance, perhaps. How does one deal with the guilt? Acceptance of their own flaws.
My mother, a truly awful human being, never did anything that did not benefit herself. Even things that seemed kind at the time were always angled in a way that perpetuated her own story of herself. She was in a 12-step program for over two decades, and I learned a lot about the ideology of this program through her constant espousing of the beliefs. “Live and let live,”, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,”, and “Let go, let god” were just a few. I tend to believe that “live and let live” was intended more for inclusivity. My mom carried it in very much an American exceptionalism way, to mean more: “don’t shit on me, I won’t shit on you.” That’s quite different, far more hostile and threatening. “Let go, let god” is an age-old shifting of responsibility, used by religious zealots from the dawn of Christianity and Catholicism. Everything that was outside of the human intuition which naturally produced guilt, was forgivable by god. Everything that was self-serving was “god’s plan.” Finally, “accept the things I cannot change,” often referred accepting flaws in one’s personality. My mom forgave her criminal and, frankly, disgusting behaviors because she “accepted” that she was a flawed individual. There was no careful consideration involved, just a release of blame within her own self with god being her backup trump card.
The release of personal responsibility in the face of atrocities is what has produced the world in which we now live. There are countless ways to pay for a release of guilt, whether it be buying Girl Scout cookies, donating to Goodwill, or working at a food pantry. Buying cookies, while you are helping girls everywhere, is actually purchasing a product that the company is selling through the use of free child labor (the CEO of the company earned nearly $1 mil in 2023). Goodwill CEOs also earn about $750k a year (4x what my partner makes as an engineering team lead, and 50x what I make as an English tutor/teacher). I write for free because I can, and no matter how hard I try, I can rarely get paid for it. I live in the world’s 6th largest economy and my rent is so high I can hardly afford it with both incomes, and that has been true for a very long time. These facts have nothing to do with today’s political climate nor inflation rates. It is the fault of a flawed system that does not deserve forgiveness, nor excuse-making. We all (including me) have participated in this system. We refuse altering it because of comfort and familiarity. It takes tons of personal accountability to truly change. And, honestly, I find that hard, even though I already see this issue. Imagine those among us who do not.
No, I’m not a “better than thou art” type of person. I am just as flawed as the rest of the world. I’ve participated and hidden in the same system which is oppressing me and destroying our planet. But at one point recently, I realized that it doesn’t matter if I like it or not, it is necessary. I don’t like boycotting Target — doing so makes my day-to-day life harder, but it’s necessary to stand up for my values. I don’t like writing for free, but this shit needs to be said (even if it will be/is suppressed). I really don’t like making small talk with people at the Trader Joe’s because a) social disorder b) I feel like an idiot when I speak. But, I must because connection fucking matters. There were times in my life when I was depressed, lonely, and in pain. However, I more remember every single point of connection I’ve had and cherish those who gave it to me. To my high school teacher who told me I had a knack for writing 25 years ago: I still remember and appreciate that. To the lady at the craft fair who bought my terribly printed mini-book when I first started trying to write: thank you. To my BFF who has, for over 35 years, provided companionship in numerous ways: there’s no words of appreciation to do it justice. No one will ever know the impact they wield. So, shifting responsibility for the horrors unfolding every day, embracing unconsidered forgiveness for it, is the worst thing that one can do. Being a dick to people makes them dicks to each other; that negativity resounds in every aspect of our society. So, maybe just do the uncomfortable thing. Acknowledge the dick you’ve been, and live with that knowledge. Let it inform what you do from here. Even small changes in the global climate can make a wave. Do what you can from where you’re at.
